Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets.

One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn’t win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It’s been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don’t actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It’s the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I’ll be taken care of if things don’t turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it’s something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I’d actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don’t take enough risks. I’m scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I’m scared if it doesn’t work out that I’ll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I’m scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp’s lease is up in May and I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing. Where I’m going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn’t here. It’s been a lot to process.

It’s been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I’ve let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven’t been trusting God that he’s going to take care of me.

I’ve been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn’t planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I’m still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I’m supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, “What would I do if I had a million dollars?”

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It’s funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I’ve always had my million dollars.

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