I didn’t realize that I had fallen for this guy until one day we were hanging out doing homework and he said “don’t fall for me.”
Don’t ask me how we got on a subject that triggered this response, because for the life of me I can’t remember.
All I remember was this sinking feeling. This feeling of dread. Because inside I knew that I had already done what I was advised not to do.
Our friendship wasn’t even something that I saw coming, so why would I see my feelings for him coming?
All I knew was that I wanted to hangout with him everyday, even if it was just doing homework at the nearest coffeeshop.
One time he even let me use his Costco card to buy chocolate covered Acai berries, and when we were in the checkout line he pretended that we were together so the lady wouldn’t question me using his card.
You can understand my confusion when only a couple of days earlier he was telling me not to fall for him.
I continued hanging out with him not knowing myself well enough yet to realize that it wasn’t a good idea (I wasn’t good at setting up boundaries).
All I wanted to do was be his friend. I would keep telling myself this at least, wishing that I was speaking the truth. Now I can see that sure I would have loved to tell my feelings to go away and just be his friend, but sometimes it’s just not possible, at least for me.
I think this happens to many of us. We catch “feelings” for someone and every single thing that they do encourages us.
They look at you a certain way, or they say something slightly cute to you. And sometimes they are super touchy feely and grab your hand in target with no actual intent on ever doing it again, at least in a romantic way.
Then there you are head over chucks for some guy who only sees you as a friend, or someone to hangout with until they find their next girlfriend.
Now, I’m not saying that this was all his fault. I’m really not.
I mean. He told me not to fall for him right?
I look back on that moment and wish that I could tell myself to snap out of it.
Like seriously. How is it not possible for me to just take people’s words and believe that’s all it’s ever gonna be?
I will say, I definitely learned a lot through this experience. I remember after it was all over I never wanted someone to feel how I felt, especially because of me.
It’s kind of funny because just as I was coming out of this toxic thing I’ll call a crush fog, someone else came into the picture. Just a friend.
This guy and I had been friends for a year or so and we talked off and on. He knew what I had been going through and mentioned going on a “friend date.”
I would later find out it was a ploy, because he had feelings for me, but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
We both agreed and decided when and where we should go.
But before we went I told him one thing.
“Don’t fall for me.”