Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening.

By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn’t reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn’t really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I’m barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn’t ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I’ve ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn’t quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I’m being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it’s own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I’m still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I’m going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It’s totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here’s what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I’m not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

 

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