So, it’s been a while.
For those of you that read my ramblings.
It’s November 12, and I’ve been in school for about a month and a week.
This year has been completely different than last year.
Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.
So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.
However, as interesting as that all is, it’s not what I want to talk about.
I want to talk about the struggle.
The struggle that I’ve faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.
Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.
These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.
I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.
Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn’t tear anyones head off.
I didn’t know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.
I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.
On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.
I wasn’t okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn’t know why. So I shared this with the team.
After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn’t until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.
I don’t know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I’ve never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don’t struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don’t struggle with anything and that I’m perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.
Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.
I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn’t there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.
As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.
Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.
Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.
Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God’s destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.
I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I’m never going to take it for granted again. I’m never going back.