Not Afraid.

On July 12th, I set out to Mammoth Lakes, CA to begin a road trip with my friend.

This probably seems normal to everyone who knew I was leaving on a road trip, but only a handful of people know that I left a day early. I left early because life in Hollister just became too much.

Family drama. Falling into old habits. Anxiety that got so bad it drove me to suicidal thoughts. Well. One. It would be easier if I wasn’t here.

Even as I right this, I’m tearing up at remembering how helpless and sick I felt being there.

I couldn’t stand up for myself.

I wasn’t doing anything I loved.

I wasn’t healthy. I was being enabled. And codependent.

If you want to see someone get truly depressed, just put them in a place they don’t like, doing something they don’t love, and have them completely isolated from any meaningful relationships.

That was me.

So when I arrived at the wonderful camp that is The Station, it felt like an immediate 180.

I came here for three days before we left on our trip and volunteered in the kitchen.

Something as simple as setting up tables made me feel like I was doing something meaningful again.

I felt like there was purpose again.

And instead of getting anxiety for thinking nothing was ever going to happen for me, I got nervous because I knew it was going to.

So I stayed.

This weekend I had the opportunity to go home to Hollister.

The city that it probably seems like I just disappeared from.

I went to a going away party for a couple that I’ve known since highschool and beyond.

Our pastor encouraged them with words about their future, and how no matter what happens they shouldn’t be afraid because God will always be by their side.

Almost everything that was said in encouragement for them, I felt as though God was whispering it to me.

That he was telling me that life is going to be okay.

Life isn’t going to be easy by a long shot, but it’s all going to be okay. And that I needn’t be scared.

That night brought so much healing for me.

I got to hug those that I thought might have been hurt by me just up and leaving.

I got to pray for friends, and joke with acquaintances.

I got to actually, for once in my life, tell people that I’ve been happy. I didn’t have to say “I’ve been okay.” or “Things are fine.”

I told people what I’ve been up to and it wasn’t as excruciating as it usually is.

I went in with anxiety, scared that I would be shunned, or made to feel bad about my choices.

I left feeling encouraged. My family in Hollister still loves me, and to be honest my insecurities were the only thing to make me believe anything else.

I left that night knowing that I shouldn’t be afraid for my future. I’m going to make mistakes, and I’m going to stumble.

Probably a lot.

But God says it’ll be okay.

Now I can think of myself charging forward into my future with God by my side.

And I’m not afraid.

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