Him

There wasn’t really a time where I didn’t notice him.

We grew up together, but separate.

I admired him when we were kids. His desire to always seek adventure.

He’d end up hurt and try to act like he was fine, like I did.

I usually kept up with him too. Well. Not running. He was too fast.

Too skinny and aerodynamic. But in spirit I kept up with him.

I remember that he was always hyper, always wanted to do something.

I remember playing truth or dare, and wishing that someone would dare him to kiss me.

I remember being disappointed when he was dared to kiss me and he didn’t.

I remember him being there when I started falling for the biggest devastation of my life.

I remember wishing that we were closer. That he could see the potential he saw in her, in me.

Sometimes there are people we just notice. People that no matter where you are in your life, if you see them you will stand up straight and hope that they give you the time of day even though you haven’t ever really had a good conversation with them.

You wish you were funnier, or more interesting because then maybe he would seem interested when you talked to him.

I was there when it seemed like he was falling away. Wishing that there was something I could do or say to make it better.

It’s good though, to see him now. He’s doing well. I don’t even have to talk to him to see it. Not that I don’t want to.

I’m just scared. Like I’ve always been.

Scared that he won’t notice me.

When I’ve always noticed him.

When I’ve noticed him grow up into a man. Finally taking charge and growing. Making progress to do and be better, for himself.

He’s so calm now. Like me.

We both used to run around playing games and sports and chasing each other.

I remember when he fell and ripped his cargo pants, leaving his bloody knee exposed.

I remember when he got a concussion playing musical chairs. Musical Chairs.

Now, he seems so stoic almost. Calm and collected, like he’s trying to keep in everything that’s happened to him. Like me.

Maybe one day he’ll look at me and see that he can trust me.

I haven’t really talked to him in years. But there’s still time.

Time to reach out.

Because when I think of the person I’ve always noticed, it’s always been him.

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