I’ve always heard that it’s good when you’ve hit rock bottom, because then there’s nowhere to go but up.
But what people don’t tell you, is that when you’re at rock bottom how crippling it actually is.
You don’t feel enlightened because you can see up and see that life will be so much better after this point.
It just feels like it’s not going to end.
Today, I may have hit my rock bottom.
Recently I’ve been struggling with anxiety a lot.
Mainly because I feel as though my life is going no where and I’m basically letting people make decisions for me.
I don’t stand up for myself, I don’t confront people when they hurt me, and I definitely don’t initiate my future.
Today I woke up with the worst thought that I have ever had in my entire life.
It would be so much easier if I wasn’t here. Honestly.
I sat on my bed with tears running down my face trying to wrap my head around getting ready for work whilst basically having an anxiety attack.
I felt like i couldn’t fully breathe and I began writing in my journal, about how scared I was.
I’ve never in my life have I had a thought that dark. Twisted maybe, but never to the extent that taking my own life would somehow make my life easier. It scared the shit out of me.
So as I was writing, basically screaming into my journal, I begged from my heart for God to help me through this, to help me breathe.
Then something happened, a spark you could say, that ignited this fight in my heart. I was pissed.
I’m still pissed.
So pissed that I let the comments, and judgements of others contemplate my healthy mindset.
So very angry that I somehow let myself get isolated enough to think that I had to settle for this.
That I had to settle for someone treating me this way and that there was no way out.
No. No. No. NO.
I am mad.
I am mad that I have allowed this to happen to me. That I have allowed things to get this far because I’m afraid of hurting someones feelings by telling them that they’ve hurt mine. NO.
I am mad, that I gave up. I gave up living on my own with good friends to come home and be stuck and be pushed around.
I am mad that people never tell you how hard life really is, and then it’s a complete culture shock when you start having to make your own decisions when no one let you before.
I am angry. That I feel as though my dreams aren’t good enough, or that I am not good enough to achieve them.
This was my rock bottom. But I let it come to this.
If me being completely angry and pissed off at the world is going to set me into motion, then lets have it. Bring on the internal flame that will burn in my belly.
Bring on the purification of my life by fire and the ripping up of roots that must split apart to be healthy.
I am ready to move on, finally from this place I have let my heart live.
I’m ready to move on. I’ve hit my rock bottom, and I don’t know how long I will be here, but I know that I will not sit down here doing nothing.