I Haven’t Done Anything

Last night I was watching one of my new favorite movies, and the main character said “It’s hard to see people from your past, when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up.”

I sat there trying not to show on my face that I was having this huge life revelation in front of my parents.

I realized that that is the reason I get anxiety when it comes to seeing people from my past.

Even friends that I haven’t seen in two months, will give me anxiety when they ask how I’m doing now that I’ve moved home.

I wanted to be better than I was. I wanted to be prettier, or thinner, or more successful.

I don’t like seeing people from my past because I feel as though I don’t have anything to say about my life.

It isn’t great.

I haven’t accomplished anything.

And I have a terrible self-esteem so I believe this to be true.

But it’s not.

It’s not true.

I think that the way I’ve been living has made me this way.

Not wanting to think that I’ve done good.

My trying to “stay humble” has gone completely in the other direction to where I don’t even take compliments well.

So why would I enjoy talking about things that I have done?

Why am I going to spew out things that I like, or accomplished if I’m just going to feel like I’m bragging, or talking too much about myself.

Why?

Because I deserve to.

I realize now that there is a difference between telling people your story and what you’ve accomplished.

Between sharing things you like and forcing out your opinion.

When people ask me what I’ve been up to, I am lying to their faces when I say “nothing much.”

I just don’t want to seem to eager to share myself. I never am.

My friend recently explained to me that I don’t usually share myself. People don’t necessarily get to know me easily. I may ask questions to try to get to know them, but I never share about me unless people ask, and even then I don’t do specifics.

She said that maybe I’m just not comfortable with myself and therefore I don’t represent who I am well. I won’t share because I feel as though I haven’t done anything.

But I want to change that. Desperately.

I don’t want to be the girl who is constantly down on herself, and believing the lies that the enemy and myself tell me daily.

I deserve to have people wanting to know me. Meaning that I need to show them that I’m open to that.

I’m open to sharing my life and my interests.

So as a step forward, here are a few things about me:

-In May 2014, I graduated from Life Pacific College with my BA in Transformational Ministry. I graduated from COLLEGE. How cool is that. I made it. With loans, sure, but I made it nevertheless.

-I love movies, and tv shows, and if you honestly give Gilmore Girls a shot I’m sure you would like it.

-I love driving. Alone, with my friends, with the windows down, with the music blasting and me speeding down the road. I’ve also gotten two speeding tickets for that.

-My friends mean the world to me. If you become one of my close friends, you bet your bottom dollar I will be a protector, a listener, and a person that will give you advice if you want to hear it and then go do the opposite.

-I actually like pretty things. I grew up trying to be a tom-boy and I suppressed all of my feelings for anything remotely girly. So here I am now, 15 years later saying that I’m a girl, and I like pretty things sometimes.

-I have a record player. But I’ll be honest, I did just buy it because of it being a trend now. But I do honestly love it.

-I moved home about two months ago because of finances, and basically needing a break from commitments. Including paying rent, and serving as my church’s worship leader.

-Which theres another thing. I got to be a worship leader for about half a year. Being a worship leader is what I wanted to do for a really long time, and then I was doing it, and then kind of got burnt out really quick.

-I got a job at a financial firm, and I’m hoping to get better at finances because of it.

-This summer I recorded a low-quality demo with some of my songs on it. Something that I set my mind to and actually achieved before summer ended and my friend had to go back to school.

-I’m pretty good at doing winged eyeliner.

-I performed at an open mic and did one of my own songs. There were barely any people there and I could barely hear myself. But I did it and that’s what counts.

So there’s a few things about me and a few things i’ve done. I’m sorry if you actually read through everything. But this was something I needed to do.

“I have come to the realization that, life is more than what I have accomplished and, life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.” – Classic Crime

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