I’ve been struggling a lot the past few months, with depression. Mainly sparked from isolation and anxiety.
I have been feeling stuck, and unproductive, and hopeless.
I have this feeling that I shouldn’t be here anymore. And I’m scared.
I’m scared to leave this place and go home.
I’m scared to let go of everything even though it’s all slipping away anyways.
I either leave now with some semblance of a choice, or go home in two months after I have failed to take care of myself.
I thought I would be fine, I thought that I could do it. I don’t know what’s different between me having gone home this summer and me going home now.
I got to live on my own for three months.
I got to learn how to make priorities.
I had the privilege of being part of such an amazing church, and becoming better friends with people that I knew.
I’m scared that going home is giving up.
I’m scared that I’ll go home and get stuck. Or that I won’t want to leave.
I’m so scared. And I can’t do anything about it.
I think deep down this is something I need to learn to be okay with.
I need to learn that this home isn’t permanent and it’s just until I can get on my feet and start my adult life.
I know that this could be a time to prepare for what I truly want to do. This could be the time that I take to save and plan the next step. I can write, and play, and figure it all out.
I just need clarity, and peace about it.
I also know that if I find my home in God, that I can be anywhere.
But Lord, please just make this clear to me.
I’ve said for so long that I can’t go back there. But I think I might just be running from things. Things that if I faced it could bring me healing. Lord give me peace and clarity. Amen.