I Never Know What To Think

We’ve all had crushes in our lives.

We’ve also all had a friend who inspires hope for said crush. False hope, one could say.

All of my life, I have been best friend to this person who deems it okay to blurt out that they “totally like you back.”

And even though I know it has never been that way before, I allow for the hope to seep into my heart and in turn it is let loose on a wild goose chase for love.

I don’t know why I let this false hope dictate my getting over someone.

I was thinking about it today, mainly because I have a crush on someone I realize now probably isn’t just a bored crush. (A bored crush is defined as someone who is basically just there, your only option, or the best out of what you have in front of you).

It’s been about three months, and I’ve had a crush on the same person. Yes I see him on a daily basis, and yes I do believe he is the best out of what is in front of me, but for some reason I think it’s more than just the bored crush.

As stated in my last post, I had a conversation with a co-worker about character, and reading people. That co-worker and my crush, are one in the same.

After that whole conversation had gone down, I didn’t really know what to do so I sent a text to one of my best friends about it. We talked through it and everything was okay, it wasn’t a big deal.

Today, she asked me “Have you talked to _____ yet?”

I was taken off guard thinking she was talking about the things he said so I just replied, “Well, I talk to him all the time, but I don’t think he would actually ask about that.”

But then she replied, “Well no, I mean, just everything he said. People don’t just notice all those things, even if they are observant.”

And so it begins….

I don’t have to justify this crush. I really don’t. There have been a few times where I had thought he liked me back but I was just reading into things too much. Then this happened.

She didn’t openly say anything encouraging about this crush or anything like “he likes you too!”

A simple, “people don’t just notice all those things..”and I’m soaring.

In my head….

“Oh my God, you’re right, he totally was just saying he was really observant with everyone to cover up the fact that he noticed all that stuff about me, and he actually likes me too and…and…and…blah…blah..blah…”

Good Lord! When will it end?!?!

How about we go back to when we held off until a guy said he was interested. Or how about we just show our interest and possibly even speak up before we become completely lost in a crush that will go no where.

I have wasted almost six months of my life before, being led on, and fed false hope from many friends, only to realize that this person was never going to like me back.

I have been tricked and hurt, mainly by myself, because I sat in the hope that my interest will be reciprocated, but I also waited, inactive and trying to play it “cool.”

I have driven probably around a thousand miles if not more, in hopes that I would drive past certain crushes on the off chance that they would be out walking around, or in their own car driving by.

It’s funny though, because even though my friends feed me false hope, I never actually believe it. I never actually believe that someone likes me.

So in this moment, I’ll wait I guess. I don’t know if he likes me. I don’t know what to think about the things he writes, or the observations he blurts out.

All I know is that when he said all those things, I felt comfort in the fact that someone saw some of the darkest insecurities and secrets that I had and treated me the same. I know that when he jokingly says “that’s hot” to something I awkwardly do or say, It makes me blush inwardly. (never outwardly). I know that when he brushes past me, he smells good, and I wish that he was closer. I’m not going to lie, he knows that I don’t like being touched. And I wish that he didn’t know that. Because I wouldn’t mind if it was him.

Sometimes I feel so dumb for liking him too. He always talks and I just listen. I could probably listen to him all day, which is rare because I don’t really like when people talk a lot. He does this cute thing where he says “shut up” when I’m about to start a conversation with him, and I want to slap him in the face. But God bless my heart, I like him like crazy.

He does all these things that make me like him more, and I don’t know if he’s just nice, or you know…

I never know what to think.

So here I am. Fighting the false hope. Fighting the crush that probably isn’t right. And fighting my conscience. Because I just might tell him. I might just tell him that either his detective skills just aren’t good enough to realize it, or he’s just pretending to be ignorant to the fact that I have liked him the whole time.

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