This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends.
We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.
At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.
One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.
When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.
It’s funny because my whole life, as I’ve stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.
I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.
I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.
I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.
I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it’s hilarious as long as people aren’t getting offended.
I’ve spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.
I realize now that when I say I’m tired, I’m not actually tired physically, but I’m tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.
I wasn’t made to be the one who draws attention, I’m the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.
I’m the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I’m seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.
I was made to love people, in my way.
My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.
I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don’t have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don’t have to do anything to be loved.
I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.
I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can’t do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn’t create me to be.