Trust and love

I think I’ve figured it out.
The reason it takes a little bit of time to get to know me is because I have trust issues.
I don’t trust that people will like me for who I am.
I don’t trust people to see me, and not just my weight or any other physical thing that comes before getting to know someone.
I’ve always had a wall up when meeting new people because I need to know how much of myself to share so I won’t share the parts that will be judged or taken advantage of.
I don’t trust people.
Because of this I don’t love.
I don’t love myself.
And I have a hard time showing love to others if I constantly think that they will judge me so I don’t show the love of God.
I took a second and just pictured my life as it is.
I realized that as a child I got so hurt by trying and loving, so this made me bitter, cynical, and apathetic.
I decided being apathetic about everything and not showing real love or passion for anything would help me save face when people didn’t like things I liked, or when my attempts at anything eventually tanked.
I stopped trying.
I’m scared.
I’m scared that I’ll try hard to do something that I truly care about and I’ll be crushed because I put my whole heart into it.
I do this with relationships.
What if I became super outgoing?
What if I showed all of myself to people when we first met and they decide right away that they don’t like me?
So I found it better to not share my whole self.
And instead I will show people what they are okay with.
I’ll be interested in things they’ll be interested in.
And I’ll hide all the interests they don’t like.
But what if I picture it another way.
What if I try to trust someone once.
What if when I first meet someone, I make my dumb jokes and be sarcastic and actually make an effort to get to know them and show them me?
And what if they like me?
What if they decide my friendship is worth it?
Isn’t trusting people worth it?
Isn’t being yourself worth it?
So what if you decide to be yourself and a few people get rubbed the wrong way.
It’s better than forcing yourself to fit in and like things you don’t like and hide things about yourself that you love.
I hide my music. I only share my music with people who I trust and love.
But where is that going to get me?
I’m scared.
I don’t trust.
And I haven’t loved to my full potential.
And It’s about time that I start.
Start trusting people.
Start loving people.
And start loving myself and giving myself the chance at life that I deserve.

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