Solitary

I just had the realization that most of my interests, or the things that I love to do, are solitary activities.

I like to read.

I like to sit and listen to music.

I like to drive.

I like to write music and perform my songs acoustically.

I like to sit in my room and watch tv and movies.

I like to sit in silence as I silently think, pray, or play out completely unrealistic scenarios in my head.

It seems that these days in most of my down time I’m alone.

For some reason, since I was a kid I imagined being with someone. I imagined finally having a boyfriend and things would change and he would be my everything. But I don’t think I want that.

I don’t want a man to become my everything. Man is so irresponsible, and unreliable.

I willingly put everything I am in Christ, or at least I try.

God has made me who I am, someone that can stand alone. Someone that can handle the weight of the world because she’s strong and doesn’t need another human to take care of her. Yes I accept help, and I trust that God will provide. But I don’t depend on a man to make me happy.

I can do things on my own. I even go to movies by myself. I like it.

I just think that maybe I need someone who is okay with that. Someone who is okay with my needing a little bit of space and independence.

Or maybe just someone who is willing to sit with me.

I want a partner, not someone to do everything for me, or to be everything that I am.

I want someone who can show up and just sit down while I’m thinking and wait for me to open up.

Someone who can sit next to me while I drive and not feel as though they need to talk, that music is enough.

We could read our books together. Constantly shifting so that our limbs don’t fall asleep as we sit for hours on end pouring over the words of writer after writer.

I’ll be honest.

I’m tired of being alone.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to go out and be someone completely different to get someone.

I can’t be the outgoing person that other girls are. I won’t go out and just meet someone out of my own will.

I’m the introvert girl who needs to feel out situations, but by the time I find what’s okay to say the moment is over.

So I stay solitary. In my room, in my mind, in my heart.

And I hate it.

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