Deeply Rooted Fear

Today I got a call from an establishment I applied to two months ago, asking if I was still looking for employment. The manager asked if I could interview tomorrow and of course as the unemployed college grad that I am I said yes.

Needless to say I’ve been excited all day. But when I opened the door for the excitement to come in, anxiety snuck in right behind it.

You see, for the past two months, I have applied for jobs, I have searched, and handed out my resume, and nothing.

I went home last week and made the final decision that I would not be returning to Hollister any time soon because it is a step back from where I want to be going.

I made this decision based on growth in my relationship with God. I know that away from home I rely on God and myself more, rather than my parents or friends.

However, when I said no to that option it seemed that three others popped up in it’s place. Cut off one head and three more grow back, right?

Well now I’m planning to hopefully move to Washington with a friend in August. New start, new people, and new opportunities are held there in the town of Olympia. All of course just plans. No solid structure considering a job or a place to stay. But my friend knows people and there is a good church there. Opportunity #1 pursued, in thought at least.

Two days ago I got an email from a teacher that was an ad for a worship leading position where living would be taken care of and there would be an income. But it’s in Missouri. I called the Pastor and then emailed him my resume. Opportunity #2 pursued.

The interview. The interview is somewhat tied to opportunity #1. If I get offered the job I take it and work there until we have to make the trek north to Olympia. Then I quit.

However, what if I decided to stay?

You see this interview could mean a solid job, that could pay for rent and bills and my loans. It could mean being able to stay at the church I’m at, in a position I actually love and being able to mentor students who come and go. I’ve been developing a heart for young adults and mentoring and this could be the place I could do that.

I keep thinking of other places as a new start, as a place to really go for it, and a place to try and live out my dreams. But I think this wanting to go somewhere new is something deeper than just wanting to see new places.

Other than my newly developed desire to travel, I think it may have to do with a deeply rooted fear of failure.

You see, if I go somewhere new and try to live my dreams and fail…well, no one knows me.

But if I take the steps to try and become something here, where all my friends and church family are, and fail, then everyone sees.

Everyone will see me failing at something I thought was my dream.

It’s like that birthday party that you take so much time planning and then no one shows up and you’re left there with the family that has to be there to celebrate you.

I’m scared of failure. I haven’t worked for anything in my life. I haven’t even found a job on my own, the one I had was handed to me. I’m scared that the minute I step out on my own to try and do my own thing, I won’t be good enough.

That’s where faith comes in I guess. Having faith that God gave me these dreams, and he knows the desires of my heart, and if I stay faithful to Him, then he will do the rest.

Right now I’m just praying for Him to intervene. I have these three wonderful options and I don’t want to let fear or my own will make the decision for me.

I do believe there are certain seasons in life and I can’t help but wonder if my season in Southern California may be coming to an end.

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