She had been dwelling on what had happened.
She was so excited and she felt so special, but I told her that it wasn’t a good idea.
She would run crazy if I didn’t pull her back to reality. She’s always so hung up on the ideas and on just going for it, but what about being practical? That’s my responsibility in her life. I try my best to make her think about what she’s doing. To weigh the pros and cons, or to even just analyze something first.
I’ll admit it, I get a little carried away sometimes though. Sometimes I force her to see all the negative things that could happen. It’s like I need to make sure she knows what could happen. Even if it means overkill on analyzing the facts and not the underlying feelings.
She pleads with me a lot to let up. She just wants to run free and have people follow her, but I can’t allow for that. It’s reckless and in all honesty, it’s going to end up in her being broken. So I’m here to protect her from that.
Here she is again, hung up on something that should have only been one night. One night that would end up as just memories.
She’s convinced that it should mean more than just memories. She’s convinced that the actions and the things that were said meant more than just kindness or him being a gentleman. She was convinced, or at least she hoped that it was supposed to be more.
This has to be the thousandth time she has done this. She puts herself out there and then gets broken, and I have to pick up the pieces and use my knowledge of her to put them back together. It’s been a good while since I’ve let her really go for it. Usually I shut it down right away in hopes that she will get over him quick. I sometimes have to plant a deceptive seed in her to overanalyze her worthiness.
It’s not that she isn’t worthy, trust me, I know she is.
But on the off chance that he doesn’t feel the same as she does, I give her the thoughts and the mindset that he won’t ever.
I make her think that what she’s doing is awkward, or bothersome, or a burden. Sometimes this causes her insecurities to come out. When her insecurities come out, she becomes anxious. And when she becomes anxious she is restless, and then in turn she sometimes get impulsive. When she’s impulsive, things end quickly.
It’s a somewhat tough process, having to see her put herself out there, or try. I hate being the bearer of bad news, or the one who brings rain on her parade, but I’m the logical one. I will keep her safe from harm. If she would only let me.
So I’m waiting. It’s been a while since I let her go. I haven’t seen her truly go for it and win in at least three years, but even then it had started too soon and ended quickly.
I’m torn. I’m wearing down because, believe it or not it does get exhausting having to bring people down to logic when they are sitting so high on cloud nine.
Maybe just this once I can let her lead her own life. Maybe just this once I’ll let Heart lead. She’s waited a long time for this.
But if this time doesn’t work. If for some reason it’s not what she originally hoped, she will be crushed.
And I’ll be there, to set up a new set of walls to hold her together again.