A few years back I was hurt pretty badly by a couple of my best friends.
I was lied to, and my heart got broken.
I don’t think they understood the deepness of the wounds or the severity.
I forgave blindly because I knew it was what I was “supposed” to do.
That and I’m sure I didn’t want to cut them out of my life, I love them.
However, since then I have been overly cautious.
I don’t trust as easily. And I definitely don’t put myself out there like I once did.
If I ever have a crush on someone and I find out they like one of my friends, I back off and let it go.
If I like someone and someone else shows interest in them, even if I barely know them, I’ll back off and let them go for it.
You see, I’m not willing to be hurt again. I don’t take many risks, I can’t go for it.
I’m hesitant, and stuck and yet still incredibly hopeful that something will happen even though I haven’t given any indication that I want it to.
I’m too cautious.
No risk no reward right?
Isn’t that what we’re taught?
Here I am scared to death that I’ll be broken again.
When I forgave the last time, I didn’t give it enough time. I jumped right back into the friendship, still very wounded, and holding back the bitterness in my heart that was trying to escape in any situation.
I wasn’t okay with it.
I wasn’t okay with feeling betrayed.
What if I put myself out there like that all the time?
Wouldn’t I be completely in pieces all of the time?
Even now, I find myself holding back from even having a crush on someone because they remind me of the one person that I had to get over. The one person who was an accomplice in the breaking of my high school heart.
How is it that I’m still cautious?
Can my heart ever be completely healed from that?
Can I ever take the risk again?