Sometimes I retreat.
Sometimes I withdraw. One of my teachers has called me out on this a couple of times. He told me he noticed that when we were doing a group project I shut down and didn’t give any further input.
You see, everything around me can be so overwhelming that I have to just shut down my mind sometimes. Otherwise, well, I don’t know what will happen.
I get emotionally drained. For some reason this has been happening more often that it did before.
I’ve been finding myself trying so hard to stay awake and participate in class. I’ve gotten enough sleep. I shouldn’t be tired.
I think that I struggle with anxiety. This has been a long time coming to admit this, but I truly think I do.
I get self-conscious about everything, and for some reason this makes me tense up, or it makes me feel as though I need to be put together all the time. I worry about what people will think of me. I also worry about certain outcomes from things that haven’t even come into play yet.
Sometimes it’s all just too much.
I don’t really tell people much about the tough parts of my life though. Maybe because I feel as though they are insignificant compared to other people’s issues, or that it makes me seem weak.
Even now I feel as though I have too much to handle.
But you’ll never know. Because I won’t bring it up.
I won’t bring up the fact that I feel like crying a lot of the time attention is drawn to me. Especially if it’s negative.
I won’t tell anyone that speaking in front of people makes me so nervous sometimes that I could literally go to bed after and sleep for days.
I won’t tell anyone that the future legitimately scares the hell out of me and I don’t know what to do when I graduate.
Sometimes I get so drained and all I want is for someone just to hug me. I want them to know that something is wrong, and to just hug me and tell me that it’s going to be alright. To hold me and let me feel it all at once, rather than stuff it down for the seventh week in a row.
But people won’t know. Because I hide it. Or brush it off as a joke. Or say that I’m just tired.
People don’t truly know what they are in for when they ask if I’m okay.
I avoid it all. I say I’m fine.