Tonight I realized something.
After a couple of minutes driving around (it’s how I think), i thought about all of my past relationships and crushes.
Now I know I’ve been writing a lot about crushes lately, I mean, I guess you can tell what’s on my mind.
But anyways, back to tonight.
I realized that I’m basically waiting around. Now, that’s not a big deal. But it is. Especially when I kind of already know what I’m waiting to hear. “I think you’re cool,” “I like you as a friend,” “I don’t even like you as a friend and never want to see you again,” etc.
But why do I keep waiting then? If I truly knew that those words were the one’s I’ve been waiting to hear for the past few weeks, why can’t I just move on now?
I. Don’t. Know.
Maybe it’s because deep down… deep deep down… I’m hoping that this case is different than the others. That I’ve waited long enough and finally this one crush is going to be the one that actually turns into something.
Maybe I’m just scared. Actually, that’s a fact, there is no maybe. I am scared to death. Wanna know why? Because I don’t want to ruin things and lose a cool friend. I guess there’s always been that.
As I try to dig deep down into the pit of all my feelings I can’t help but wish that he would pull me aside and ask.
Honestly, that is the only way I can really see myself getting out of this one.
I can’t even get up the courage to talk about telling him I have a crush on him, let alone having to go up to him and say “hey, can I talk to you for a second…alone.” There is no way you can say that to someone without it immediately being assumed that you are going to “talk.”
I am scared. To lose a friend. But also to lose two friends.
Who actually likes being the best friend to the one that everyone likes? I didn’t. I still don’t.
I don’t want people to see me differently. I want things to stay the same. Except that I don’t. I want them to change only if it’s the outcome I want. How stupid is that?
I am so stupid.
I’m literally sitting here typing into a computer because I am such a coward that I can’t just buck up and talk to him.
Very coward. Such stupid.
Okay. But if there is some chance that the person I’m talking about is reading this. And he knows. Please just talk to me. I’m sorry I’m a wimp.