The past few years, i’ve opened up my car to different people.
I let them borrow it, as long as they promise not to drive like me.
Last year, I made the decision to let my roommate have my spare car key. So that if she needed to use my car she could text me and then go ahead and borrow it. When we parted ways for the summer I took it back.
This year, I gave my spare key to one of my best friends. Just about an hour ago this friend moved out and went home after having achieved her degree. When she left I had to get my spare key back. Now this goodbye was harder than any other goodbye.
It’s hard going from a person having your spare key, to them not having it but also them being a whole state away.
It took me almost two years to even feel comfortable allowing someone to have my spare key. Have as in it’s constantly on their key ring. Not a borrowing of the key, but a possession of it.
Sometimes this is like how I am with my heart. It takes a while for me to get to the point where i’m okay giving my heart to people, or letting them see it at least. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I’ve prided myself on being the strong one (in public at least). If I cry in front of you, you have seen my heart. This friend had seen my heart.
I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it letting people see my heart. It doesn’t seem worth it to let people in and have them just leave and then my heart be exposed.
I think this is why I don’t let people see who I really am until I feel safe, until i feel that they wont hurt me, or expose me. Living like that may shelter my heart, but it definitely doesn’t give room for people to get to know me. Sometimes I don’t even try.
It’s crazy because i’m harder on myself than anyone else would be. I know that now. I know that the reason I don’t let people see my heart is because sometimes I don’t think i’m worth it, or that i’m too broken or weird to ever be accepted fully. So that’s why when I finally trust people with my heart I expect them “not to drive like me.” Because if people treated my heart the way I treat it, it wouldn’t survive.
Maybe one day i’ll be able to allow someone access to my heart and not have to think “don’t treat it like I do…”
As of today, my spare key hangs next to it’s twin on my key ring, and waits for another home. Maybe a comforting home. Maybe a permanent home.
I don’t know what this home may be like, all I know is that I won’t have to tell them not to drive like me. They’ll just know.