Execution.

“Michelle,” he told me, “we both knew that wasn’t gonna happen.”
After joking about marrying someone, you don’t want to hear this, even if you are seriously joking.
This happened to me two years ago, and to be honest I still feel that sting every time I see or talk to him. Our friendship pretty much dwindled after that and now we barely speak.
Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop at my school with three engaged couples, and him. He and I were the only single people there.
The two couples were joking about all of them being engaged and how him and I should get married. And then he proceeded to tell me “come on Michelle, we’re already here.” And I just looked at him and said nothing. Because saying nothing was all I could do.
I wanted deep down to remark “oh, we both knew that wasn’t going to happen.”
But for some reason, no matter how hurt I was from two years ago, I couldn’t execute the comeback that had haunted me since that day.
Maybe it’s the fact that I understand hurt far too well to inflict it purposefully on anyone else.
Or maybe it’s just in this situation, and the fact that I couldn’t do what he did. I couldn’t say what he said to me.
Countless times in my life, I’ve gotten the opportunity to act a certain way or say a certain thing that someone has done to me first and I can’t execute it. I just can’t.
Maybe it’s just that I know revenge doesn’t feel really great, or maybe it’s just that I love certain people too much to return their acts or sayings back to them.
All I know is that taking on a lot of hurt and loneliness without being able to get rid of it, has haunted me since I was a child. But maybe that’s okay, as long as I choose to give people joy and hope rather than hurt and destruction.

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