Is home where you were born?
Is home where your family is?
Is home where your friends are?
Is home where your heart leads you to to make you grow?
Is home where you interned once, and felt like you were living your dreams leading worship and you can’t forget any face that you encountered there?
Guys, i’m struggling. Really bad.
I think i wanted to just back out.
I have this amazing opportunity to go back to Massachusetts and do a year long program, or maybe stay longer, and i am thinking about turning it down. Am i running?
I have no idea.
While i was there the pastor gave a sermon about how God gives us freedom to choose where we go and sometimes, either choice is good, and either choice could make us happy.
Knowing this, i think i wanted to just go home. I wanted to forget i ever fell in love with the people in Massachusetts and just get on with my life, two streets away from my beautiful nephew.
I wanted to be by my family, and know that i’ll have a safe place to come home to. And i want to keep my wonderful couch.
But i had made my decision! I told people, i didn’t want to go back.
But then why am i still haunted by dreams of me returning to my church family in Massachusetts and being completely content?
So i pull up the program poster, the poster for the program i helped set up, with intentions of going back. And i’m completely broken, and i feel a need to keep myself up all night just to make this decision.
I actually just took time to see how long of a drive it would be from Washington where i’ll be attending a friends wedding.
It’s like i want to, but i’m afraid.
I’m afraid of moving on with my life. Leaving this place i gave four years of my life to.
Leaving the reach of my parents.
Not seeing my nephew for a very long time. Maybe once a year.
It breaks my heart. But i’m thinking i can do it. I can at least give up a year of my life and see if i can do it.
It will take honesty with how i feel. It will take pulling myself up by my bootstraps. And it will most definitely take a box of tissues when i tell my mother. It will take faith. But i think that is what is most important at this point. Having faith, that God is going to work it all out, no matter what state i’m in.
I think i know. I think i’ve always known. I also think that they always knew. That i would be coming back.