Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don’t know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can’t. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn’t change the fact that i’ve done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can’t watch sex scenes in movies. I can’t hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can’t see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He’s the only one who can help me. He’s the only one who can forgive me, because He’s the only one who sees. 

I’m sorry if it’s disgusting, but it’s honest. 

It’s my life, it’s my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries. 

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