Today held new things.
I was happy. Yet most of the day, and even now i’m alone.
No need to please anyone, or do anything i don’t want to.
I hate being guilted, or manipulated to hanging out with people.
And lately i feel like it’s been like that a lot.
I’ve been home for two weeks and i think this has been the first day i’ve actually been alone. Time for myself. Getting to be in peace i guess.
It’s not that i don’t enjoy company, because i do. But when it’s forced, or loud and obnoxious company? Yeah yeah…
I know i complain a lot. But this is really my only vice. It’s not like i’m going to broadcast my feelings all over Facebook, or to everyone around me.
Sometimes i need to be alone. Sometimes i just want to straight up tell people i don’t feel like hanging out, not just with them (or maybe) but in general. Does that make me a bad person?
Okay, i’m going to be completely transparent for a minute. Throughout highschool i had a couple toxic friendships. Friendships that consisted of lies, manipulation, false fronts, deceit, breaking trust, and people going behind my back.
However, i forgave and somewhat forgot. What i could anyways. And these people are still my friends, closeish friends. I don’t think they truly understand what they put my through, or what consequences have been evident in my life since.
I have major trust issues, and i can always tell when people are trying to guilt me or manipulate me. I can tell if you’re being fake. I can tell when you are lying or making up stories. No, i’m not a lie detector. I’m just saying, i’ve been around the block and i know.
So all that said, quite bluntly i apologize, i can’t stand more than a few hours being with people who have hurt me that much. I am kind of getting to the point where i almost can’t at all. So much still feels fake, or seems like a show.
So yeah, time alone is good.