Always over revealing of things i don’t necessarily want to know.
And always the determiner of what my mood will be that day.
It’s sad that i allow such a small thing dictate how i’m going to live my life.
Weight has always been a problem for me, and i know that now a days it’s socially okay, or at least more okay than it was five years ago.
But i grew up wishing that i was skinny. I grew up wanting to be one of those pretty musicians who was skinny and had a rockstar fashion sense.
But every failed diet, every failed exercise routine, and here i am, the heaviest i’ve ever been in my entire life. And yet… i have the least amount of motivation.
My mindset is so skewed. To think that the minute i get skinny i will finally find love.
I think that i will only be pretty when i’m skinny.
I. Grew. Up. That. Way.
And now all of a sudden it’s okay, well it’s not to me.
Yes i know i’m beautiful the way i am. But there comes a point where i’m not even comfortable in my own skin! I am not comfortable in my own skin.
God made us to be healthy humans, he doesn’t want us to be sick, or to have a risk of diabetes and heart disease because it runs in our family.
I want to be healthy. More than anything.
I can picture myself eating healthy, and running everyday.
But i hate doing it by myself, or i’m not motivated, or sleep seems more important at six in the morning.
There are always excuses. And then those excuses lead to me sitting on the couch watching another season of One Tree Hill, which in itself is terrible because i’m just comparing myself to these women all day. So pretty and thin and have a wonderful fashion sense.
I think i’ve gotten to the point where comparison to others is just natural, and it’s terrible, you can’t tell the kind of person someone is by the skin they wear. The skinniest girl in school could be a horrific person on the inside.
I know that the inside is more important than the outside, but for once, i just want my outsides to match my insides.
I’m going to be honest, i want someone to like me for me, i really wish that the outsides didn’t matter as much as they do. And people can say they don’t but truly we all know they do.
I know that God made me for who i am. I have the genes i do for a reason. Maybe the thing is i truly need to work for it. I need to work to be healthy rather than skinny. I need to be spiritually healthy. I need to be better.
So, after another session of my doubting myself and who i am. I at least know that i was Made for More than i give myself credit for. I’m not second guessing God’s creation. I know he made me for a reason, and every bit of His creation is beautiful, so in that, i am beautiful too. But maybe sometimes, more than i thought or would like to admit, my insides aren’t beautiful either.